Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
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Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Sorry I made promises on Friday
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!