I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
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I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
The funk soul brother
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies