wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
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Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.