Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
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Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
went fishing caught a bass
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Smooooooth
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.