When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
You Might Also Like
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!