Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
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Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Note to self: I am a note
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??