According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
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Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
A man of commitment.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!