This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
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them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.