Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
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I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.