*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
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A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
I’ve been learning to cook.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.