[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
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Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball