Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
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I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
peeping toms
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
I triple waxed for this?