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Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
one last job
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.