HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
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1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Funny because it’s true. 🤣