Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
You Might Also Like
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
Human are so complicated
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings