society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
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Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?