I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
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Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
The “baby” on the left….
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
same bro
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume