I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
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Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Netflix and you sit over there.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.