“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
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People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.