There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
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I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
What about a To-Don’t List?
mom had nothing to worry about
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
notice
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.