I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
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[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.