getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
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A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort