It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
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{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
🤯🤯🤯
happy friday
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.