one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
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My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.