On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
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“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Order here:
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[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?