GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
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Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on