My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
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Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”