I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
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Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.