[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
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HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂