[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
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If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
tinder is all about the long game
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit