cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
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Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.