The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
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Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.