[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
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Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.