How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
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ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
it is time once again
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?