What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
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My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.