Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
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“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.