Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
You Might Also Like
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”