One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
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You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Me buying fruit and veg
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.