craving $300 all of a sudden
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If a snake ate a cake
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?