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Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.