Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
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I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
decorating my apartment
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?