My background check bounced.
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if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
another case of gang violins
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave