In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
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Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.