Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
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I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Midwest trash talk
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?