Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
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can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Wake me when AI does housework
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840