Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
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After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
#Caturday
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want