This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
You Might Also Like
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
#parenting
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.