you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
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When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
had to share :’)
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.