Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
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Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.