My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
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space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Sheep
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!